“Fear me, mortals! For I am the beginning, the end, and the sandwich in which your bacon resides! I am, He, who butters your muffin, and creams your ice. . .cream! I am the pillow of a thousand moans, and the happy ending of desolation! I am. . .THE MIGHTY BEAR GOD!” —Mighty Bear God, Toiletus Fuckus 12:18
It’s been a little over two hours since I last took a shit and I couldn’t wipe my ass. It’s so hard to take a dump in peace in The Wasteland.
Those old bears—the brown ones—whatever the hell they were. No, wait, yes! Those ones, well, they’re liars! Straight up lying sacks of filth!
You can’t just wander out here all willy-nilly and take a shit. Why? Because there’s always something coming up through the damn ground! Mole rats, Radscorpions, hell—even had a Deathclaw come up and jingle my balls.
[It was actually kinda cute. That is until he put his claw in my ass and gave me herpes. It’s bad enough as it is that I can’t quite reach some bits!]
REGARDLESS, and that’s beside the matter but there’s always shit coming up when I am trying to take a shit and leave it down. . .ON THE GROUND!
I still think I have a ghoul finger, or something clinging to my ass hairs.
AND NOW I HAVE A MASSIVE PRIAPISM!
Fuck. My. Life.