I’m in Your Base, Killing Your Dudes!

The Diary of The Wasteland Bear God Logo

A few weeks had come to pass, and the space crew had completed their. . .spaceship / time machine [thankfully, it wasn’t designed like a hot tub]. During this time period, Zeta had accidentally disclosed the location of the captured Commander Cirk. Since the ship was built only for the remaining five crewmembers, they all decided to leave without their. . .beloved. . .commander. It would still be a few days until they were to depart The Wasteland.

Showing the kindness of the Wasteland’s denizens, the trio took it upon themselves to free the captured commander from the evil Synth base that held him in their evil confines, that was their evil base, where they plotted to do evil things to him. . .within their evil base. . .of evil things. Evil.

The three ventured towards where the evil base laid, underground, beneath an old outhouse—the location marked on their map.

“Hang on, I really, really need to take a shit.” The Mighty Bear God groaned.

“I told you not to eat those chili cheese fries at that one place. . .it was shady to begin with! Do you listen to me? No.” Rubricon stood with his arms crossed, and his turned up, not listening to the further complaining of the Bear God.

“Why don’t you just go in the woods?” Ben asked.

The three looked around. There was hardly anything left that could be considered “woods.”

“I just hope there’s toilet paper. I don’t want to have to go without wiping my ass again for hours or weeks.” The Bear God groaned again as he hurried to the Outhouse.

Half an hour passed, roughly, and the Bear God sat on the toilet.

“Done yet?” Rubricon asked.

“Almost. . .” Sin replied.

Another half an hour passed, leaving Ben and Rubricon to wander off. Together, they killed stragglers; ranging from Raiders, Gunners, Synths, and Super Mutants.

The Mighty Bear God came out of the outhouse, a cloud of methane billowing behind him. “Ah, much better!” He snorted.

He looked around and did not see his comrades outside. He shrugged, and started to look around the outside of the outhouse to see how to get in the evil base. He noticed finally there was a lever that was labeled “pull me.” After pulling it, and being disturbed by the slight moan he heard, he began to venture down the evil base.

Finally, he reached the end of the spiraling staircase. It seemed like the base sprawled on for miles. A silver light glowed all around, while the hum of electricity could be heard. He knew it was going to take some time to try and find the captive commander.

He then looked at the signs, “Cafeteria. . .Reactor. . .Administration. . .Prisoners. Well, that was easy.” He followed the arrows that led him to a holding cell where the commander was locked up.

“You. . .came. . .for me.” Cirk. . .whatever.

“Yeah, I figured you’d want to get off of this rock just as much as the others, but we’ll have to hurry.” Sin remarked.

The alarm sounded, as the Bear God ripped the door off the hinges. The commander scrambled out the door and bolted with the Bear God to the surface.

“Did you. . .encounter anyone?” Cirk asked.

“No. . .just you.” Sin replied.

“Strange. . .there was hundreds, if not thousands, that were in here. I wonder where they all went.” Cirk pondered aloud.

The duo reached the top finally, and emerged outside. Before them was an army that amassed and completely surrounded them.

“I. . .think I need to take a shit again,” groaned the Bear God.

The Synth Commander stepped forward, smelling horrible. . .like someone took a shit on him. His robotic eyes scanned the Bear God and the commander. A robotic voice escaped, “I trust that this stench, is a result from your bowels?” Inquired the Synth Commander.

“Ah, yeah, I had to take a shit soooo bad earlier. . .” Sin remarked. “Speaking of which. . .could you guys hold off for a little bit? I operate a whole lot better with an empty bladder. . .and bowels.”

The space commander looked disgusted, while the Synths stood there lifeless and emotionless—their processors running and analyzing data. . .and who knows what with their evil ways.

“Very well. We shall destroy you after you’ve finished. ” The Synth Commander replied. “Your chances of survival are 30.543—repeating. . .percent. Begin praying to your maker.”

Sin stepped in the outhouse and closed the door behind him. “I don’t need to. I know him enough. . .” Sin grunted and strained, “ah, mmm, and yeah. . .he’s a dick. Don’t worry though, I’ll be out soon.”

The space commander facepalmed.

Thunderous footsteps approached the army, a familiar monstrous voice boomed. “Friends! I see you found the derpy Bear God! Let me join you in combat. . .for he destroyed my kingdom.”

“Ah, there you are Kronam. I wondered if you had survived.” Sin said aloud from the toilet.

“You killed my people! You destroyed my land! I will kill you!” Kronam roared.

“Yeah, yeah. . .lemme finish first in here, big guy.” Sin replied, followed by a toilet flushing.

Author: Sincados

Writer, gamer, foodie, brew enthusiast, and awesome dad. Also likes to make explosions...but not in any particular order.

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