The Chronicles of Bob: The Chronic Suicidal – Episode 5 – Snappin’ [Part 1]

Bob goes into details on how he had a few poppin’ moments. He doesn’t mean that he was the life at the party either.

You know that cereal that you may have had (or hell, you still might have had it)? It’s made by Kellogg’s. Ah, what was it called? Oh yeah, Rice Krispies. Yeah, that’s it. It had those three characters on it called Snap, Crackle, and Pop. Well, I got a funny story for ya.

So, you know how I get those itches, right? Well, I’ve explained some on that and elaborated on just what it is. That is in terms of what it feels like when it strikes. Well, this particular time I wanted to know what it’d be like to hang myself. Simple enough really, right? I thought so, but maybe I was just doin’ it all wrong.

The idea is, is you make the noose, put your noggin through it, and kick out the chair or whatever you used for standin’ on. Let me paint you the picture. The kids and wife are gone away and I’m home alone. I know, I know, you probably know where this is goin’. That I hung myself at home and they all came home and found ‘dear old dad’ swingin’ in the archway.

Uh, no, because I thought I’d also try out one of those suicide helplines. Don’t get me wrong, they tried pretty hard to talk me down, but then I informed them that it doesn’t matter and that I am goin’ to die. Oh, and also that it wasn’t their damn decision if I wanted to take my own life or not. Anyway, I was

Don’t get me wrong, they tried pretty hard to talk me down. But then I informed them that it doesn’t matter and that I was goin’ to die anyway, and that I also never stay dead. Oh, and also that it wasn’t their damn decision if I wanted to take my own life or not. Anyway, I was stringin’ myself up in the archway, told them to call the cops and say that there was I was killin’ myself and to cut me down before the wife and kids got home. Well, the first time it didn’t go exactly as planned. I say that because apparently, my neighbor, bless ’em, saw me hookin’ up with the rope and decided to be a hero.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I like it when folks go all good an’ stuff, but I don’t need Nickleback comin’ to rescue my ass if I want to get myself off. Speakin’ of which…I need to add that to my list of to do’s. I’ve heard of it but never done it, yet. Anyway, so the guy comes in and gets me down. While I am flailin’ about tryin’ to just die here in peace, I end up fallin’ and breakin’ my arms. Two loud ‘pops’ and a few ‘crackles’ and some ‘snaps.’ Yeah, that felt wonderful. If I wasn’t already dead and gave a damn, I’d have sued that guy. But ya move on and just try it at different places.

I figured that maybe I could go out to the woods not too far off from the house. It has a creek, which led me to think that the sounds of runnin’ water could mask the sounds of someone tryin’ to gasp for air. I found a nice big ol’ oak tree and set myself up. The first time the branch wasn’t thick enough to support my ass. The next did just swell. I tried this a few times, once by just hangin’ and the other by a more dramatic ‘jump n’ hangin’ session.’

Swayin’ there as life leaves you, it gives you a few good moments of realizin’ that this is not a great way of goin’ out. There’s plenty of self-realization that you have fucked up and you now remember where it was that you placed the remote. Then poof. Darkness. It’s a slow way to go. Like snail pace.

The jumpin’ one was a bit interestin’. I climbed up above the branch and jumped off. I’ll tell ya, my neck snapped like someone bitin’ into a Slim Jim. It hurt for a moment, but that moment was so quick I woke up back in my bed and was ready for round two. The other time, though, my neck didn’t snap cleanly and I was left danglin’ there like a free testicle that popped out of someone’s briefs, swayin’ in the breeze. After that, I tried a few other ways to die to appease my itch.

I gotta say, though, these were not my most pleasant ways of goin’ out. Still, it got the job done.


Author: Sincados

Writer, gamer, foodie, brew enthusiast, and awesome dad. Also likes to make explosions...but not in any particular order.

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