“Greetings, mortals! For it is I, the Mighty Wasteland Bear God…from the future. Now, I know what you’re thinking. ‘Why are you doing an election special? Why do you care?’ These are very, very valid questions and concerns and let me tell you this. I don’t care. It’s a fucking wasteland here. Life and morale here are at an all-time low. Why? Well because people were stupid and bombed each other to kingdom come.
“So, I am taking time out of my fight against Diablo and the other heinous villains in this latest episode, to tell you to GET THE FUCK OUT THERE. . .AND VOTE! For me. Yes, that’s right: Vote for the Wasteland Bear God, Sincados to be your new president: your presidente, prezes, prezidents, forseti, Iywydd, Prezident, predsjednik, tus thawj tswj hwm…and so on.
“What is my platform you ask? Easy. ‘A government for the People, by the People.’ I suppose if you wanted me to break it down even deeper, it’d be a long and brutal announcement, but that’s not why I am here. I get shit done. My followers, you know what they’re doing? They’re chilling at my settlements, kicking back, watching Netflix, chilling, have equal pay, pizza with whatever toppings they want, paid leave, paid FMLA, paid insurance, college education, and so much more. How? It’s in the Martian Charter I helped establish with the one, and only, Captain Hazel “Hank” Murphy of the famed (and beloved) Sealab 2021. Now, unfortunately, Ol’ Hank is gone, but I’d like to believe he’d be appreciative. In any case, let’s continue.
“I hate corruption, how about you? You know what happened when the bombs dropped that helped cause the Wasteland to be what it is now? Those CEOs all had comfy vaults and let their employees die. Government officials? Well, I don’t think I have to go into too much detail here. They claim continuity of the government, like Directive 51, but they were just scared for their lives. So the result? Billions of people died, I was asleep in ice by some crazy ass mage council’s spell, and the world was ruined.
“What works? You know what works? People…people working together work fantastic. I mean, look at the ABG and The Toymaker. Those guys, though they were bad guys, made awesome plans. Then The Toymaker died, but that’s just how direction goes, and I don’t mean something like ‘hurmurgurd, One Direction.’ There are fine things in life and some of those fine things, besides people, is pizza; more collectively, food…and water. You know what we have nowadays to eat and drink? Radioactive water and food. It doesn’t matter if it’s ‘clean,’ that shit is like herpes, everyone, and everything has it. So yes, while we ‘suck it up, Buttercup!’ and our hair on our chests are braided in 32 ways to Sunday, we must stomach horribly tasting food and water. You guys? You guys have it made! Now there’s that Climate Change, Water Shortage, Food Shortage, species of animals going extinct (or have), and you’re still fucking using Fossil Fuels!
“I have to say; you guys have lost direction…a lot. Now, I know that a lot of you are misguided and blind, or claim ‘ignorance is bliss.’ What if I told you, that if you knew the truth, ousted it, watched it burn, rebuild a better world for the future of all (not just humanity) that it could be so. Much. More. Better than your puny bliss. This is euphoria on steroids that is doing the tang with Jackie Chan, Bruce Lee, Chuck Norris, and nearly every major action/martial arts star in one. It’s like an orgy where you don’t just explode once; it’s where the Energizer bunny gets his rocks off with a Coppertop and all the off-brands. Digression! See? You were diverted. Sheep. I eat sheep. Just kidding, I don’t. I like pizza and beer.
“Religion! Oh boy! The fire-starter of many wars, battles, and so on. Seriously, folks. Do your religion, go ahead, practice it. Don’t force it upon others and tell others how to live their lives. Let everyone be happy, not a miserable fuckwad. Besides, I am the Wasteland Bear God. Rub my fur. Do it.
“Immigrants! I have a job for you. I will mark it on your map. ‘Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me, I lift my paw beside the golden gate!’ Yeah, I know it’s actually ‘lamp’ and ‘door’ in the original poem, but this is the Wasteland.
“Education! It is to be paid by the government, never cut, reduce nonsensible testing, improve electives, music, and truly do…’No child left behind.’
“Healthcare! Free, paid by the government, never cut, transparent, and strict (and enforced) pricing.
“Alternative Fuels! We’re pushing fossil fuels out! Implement a 10-year weening process for you folks to ‘suck it up, Buttercup,’ because we will be the future.
“No additives in food! Self-explanatory. Strict rules and guidelines on food. We want real food, not plastic.
“Waste management! Recycle? Reduce, Reuse, Re-arm ourselves with ways to reduce waste, clean up the world, and stop polluting our water and so on. For fuck’s sake people, you can use it as a fuel source and more.
“Prisons and Prisoners! No more private prisons. We’re going to follow Germany’s (and a few other European countries) example. I suggest you look into it.
“Judicial system! A lot of reforming here. A. Lot.
“Weed! Who cares? Stop making a big fucking deal over a weed. Your big media companies and corrupt politicians (and lobbyists) have made you as dumb (thick, and blind) as if you smoked a joint. Everything is cancerous to us. Even this post!
“Vegans! Stop shoving your leafy green eating ways down others’ throats! You know who you are.
“Meat-Lovers! Order a pizza. Then order me a pizza. Then eat it in front of people. ‘Save a plant, eat a cow!’
“There are other things, like abortion and so on, but that’s all the time we have. Again, I remind you to get the fuck out there, ‘Vote for Sincados, the Wasteland Bear God’ for President, and you’ll be on your way to a more joyous country, better way of life, and so on.
“Oh, and by the way, my foreign policy is amazing. Simply amazing. You know what I do? I sit down and talk things out with myself. Like I am right now. Damn, I am a good president. Ooh, and I could just do a reboot on the government and then…”
Sin, the Bear God, smiled to himself as he kept daydreaming. He lunged for the throat of a massive demon called a ‘Pit Lord’ that swung a huge blade-fist and polearm at him.
[To Be Continued]