Lilah’s Guide to Hoyle — February Amazon UK Promo

It’s our February promo! Happy Valentine’s Day. Running from the 12th through the 18th.

Hi, everyone.

I’m just dropping a brief post on my Valentine’s Day promotion for Amazon UK customers. You can get the urban fantasy novel, Lilah’s Guide to Hoyle for only £0.99, February 12th through the 18th. That’s so much in savings [60%!] you could help fund the proposed wall to—wait, what? We aren’t going to talk about American politics?  We aren’t going to discuss how we’re degrading ourselves and so on? Oh. . .OK. Well then, how about that picture I asked for? You know that one?

OK, so since we’re skipping politics, let’s continue with the promo!

Get a copy for your crazed book reader, book junkie, Kindle fanatic, or just get a copy. . .just because.

Folks, this is an enjoyable read. It’s not because we’re saying that it is, it’s because it just is. This is just one piece of a much grander puzzle. One step of a thousand steps. One slice of an XL pizza.

I had you at pizza, didn’t I? Good.

This promo will run from Feb. 12th through the 18th (2017). After that, what happens? Well, I guess you’re going to have to find out.

I invite you all to check it out!

Are you a Kindle Unlimited user? Great! You can already get Lilah’s Guide to Hoyle for FREE with your subscription. Eyyy! *Fonz stance*

So, you could pay or you could play, and sign up for our mailing list and get your books for free!

Wishing you all a fantastic weekend and a happy, love making fiesta.

Cheers!

RJM


LILAH’S GUIDE TO HOYLE


Deluxe cover for
“All life is a gamble… We go to sleep every night comfortably betting that the next day we’ll wake up.”

Description:

“All life is a gamble . . . We go to sleep every night comfortably betting that the next day we’ll wake up.”

Demons. Sorcery. Magical playing cards. It’s anything but a fairy tale. Armed with her choice deck, her beloved book, Hoyle’s Guide to Poker and Parlor Tricks, and the skill that led her to throw away her college fund, Lilah gambles with her life—and with the lives of those around her.

Elsewhere, other players have a different idea of the rules of the game. And investigating the bizarre chain of events is Middleton PD’s finest, Detectives Dana Deupree and Walter Conway.

It’s anyone’s game. The cards have been shuffled and the stakes are high. The call has gone around the table. Others may fold, but not Lilah. She plays for keeps.

What will you wager? Will you call? Stand? Or will you fold?


You can get a digital copy via Amazon at $2.99.

You can also secure a paperback or hardcover copy.


Wanna go big? Get the digital copy of Lilah’s Guide to Hoyle for FREE by simply signing up for our mailing list.


“But Wait! There’s More!”

If you’ve been shoved under a rock, holding out in a bunker, or if you have no interest whatsoever, here’s a friendly reminder that you can novelette The Lodestone Files: The Things in the Shadows for FREE on AmazoniBooksBarnes and Noble.

“Surprise!”

You can also secure yourself a FREE PDF copy of the second installment, The Lodestone Files: The Cat, The Mouse, and The Thing from Another World. Print and other formats soon to come.

“B-B-Bonus extravaganza!”

You can also download the anthology Abnormal Side Effects for Free on Amazon, iBooks, Barnes and Noble.

You can also opt-in for our mail list and get your free copies directly from us! Such edge! Much Words! WoW!

The Diary of the Wasteland Bear God — Season Two — Episode One: To Hell and Back… [Part Two]

The stagnant conclusion of the first episode of The Diary of the Wasteland Bear God. After cliche remarks and sexual proddings, the Bear God gets his Hentai Tentacle gig on. He also eats a sandwich and knows that you’re all super jealous. . .he loves it.

The Diary of The Wasteland Bear God Logo
Last time on The Diary of the Wasteland Bear God[Part One]

Despair sat in and doubt began to fill him wholly. What hope do I have?

Then, someone, he wasn’t expecting chimed in. “We’re looking for a way to get you back, Sin. Hold on!”

BEN!

The Bear’s eyes opened and hope had renewed. Look for a summoning stone! Make a portal! Something! Just get me the hell out of here!

“No! I will not permit it! You will remain here, in your nightmare for all of eternity,” Diablo cried.

While the demons and Diablo were busy fighting the Bear God, more and more lesser demons were being converted into wraiths that served the Outer Gods. Some manifested into Faceless Ones and began spreading their whispers of madness; turning demons against one another. Soon, Diablo would take note of this and wage war against the space oddity.

“Fiend, you dare challenge the Lord of Hell in his own domain? You will pay for your act of aggression!”

“In the end, you will all serve the Outer Gods,” the tentacle-being spoke in a garbled tongue, but transmitted its voice to everyone’s mind.

Diablo roared in anger and waved his hand for all the demons to slay the space beast. They were turned into ash, while more were being converted to the maddening whispers.

The space oddity spoke its garbled tongue again. “You, Lord of Hell, will be the first to lead our new charge…our new crusade”

Diablo roared in anguish as tentacles dug into him and corrupted his being wholly. All the red in him diminished and he turned into an ashen vapor with flailing tentacles and raging eyes. The new figure snarled at the Bear God.

“What…the hell…is that?” asked the Bear God aloud.

Demons changed their focus to the new enemy that dared attack them in their realm. Thousands upon thousands soon would be converted, a world overrun. They were demons no more.

The dark figure spoke in a thunderous voice. “You call yourself a “god” and yet, here you are, powerless, alone, broken. Your friends cannot save you. Your precious Maker cannot save you. Accept your defeat and be assimilated by the Darkness.”

“Do you mean The Darkness? Like, are we going to start singing “I Believe in a Thing Called Love?” or do you mean Tim Curry’s Darkness? I am a fan of both but I’d like some clarification. Oh, but if you’re God’s sister then I guess I’d say that’d be pretty cool, too. She was pretty hot.” The Bear God rambled on a moment before being interrupted by a massive roar that shook the Demon realm.

“Such insolence. Then again, how fitting that a bumbling fool such as yourself would give themselves the label of “God.” You’ve created nothing; no life, nothing to bring a warrant to the lesser races to give a cause of worship. You’re just an overpowered, washed up, age-old Druid with nothing left except self-loathing and for that, I pity you. You’re just a meager, small being in the universe. The apple of another false “God” that does silly stories and passes them off as quality writing. You’re just a figment of someone’s horrible imagination.”

The shade smirked, expecting anger in retaliation.

The Bear God shrugged. “So, what?”

The wraith was surprised…maybe, it was hard to tell with all that black stuff—or mist—swirling about.

“Oh, you expected me to go all mighty and smite you? I’m not always gung-ho about the violence bit you know. It’s fun and pretty entertaining at times, don’t get me wrong. I like a fight just like any other Saiyan, but, uh, I think that we could spend an entire season or so discussing political, science, religion, and other views. That’s not what I am about. I am about fun, and frankly, I don’t give a damn about the Maker’s writing or storytelling. Because I got some news for you, sugar tits. You’re written in the story, too. So, you just degraded yourself. Good job.”

“ENOUGH! I tire of your long-winded remarks. If you will not join us, then you can just die,” the shade hissed angrily.

“Summons incoming!” A familiar voice echoed.

The Bear God began to dematerialize before all the angry shades. “Maybe I’ll see you guys on Valentine’s Day,” the Bear God added, winking.

“No! After him!” the former Lord of Hell roared.

***

Before Rubricon and the others there formed the magnificent bastard that was The Bear God.

“You’re back!” Ben patted Sin on the back.

The giant bear looked at all those around him. “Thank you, all of you,” he said with a heavy sigh, “I am tired as balls.” Then he collapsed to the ground in exhaustion.


THE DIARY OF THE WASTELAND BEAR GOD IS AN ONGOING A.B.NORMAL PUBLISHING EXCLUSIVE STORY BY ROBERT J. S. T. MCCARTNEY. CHECK HERE FOR MORE POSTS!

Deluxe cover for
“All sleep is a gamble… We go to sleep every night comfortably betting that the next day we’ll wake up.”

Be sure to also check out the novel Lilah’s Guide to Hoyle on sale now. Want deals and more delivered to your inbox? Sign up for our mailing list!

The Diary of the Wasteland Bear God — Season Two — Episode One: To Hell and Back…[Part One]

It’s the premier of Season Two for The Diary of the Wasteland Bear God — Episode One: To Hell and Back.

Picking up immediately after Season One’s finale at Portalpocalypse [Part Two] the Bear God wrestles Diablo in Hell and combats evil anew.

In short, the shit is about to hit the fan…again.

The Diary of The Wasteland Bear God Logo

It’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for. That moment, when your pants are so tight, you feel like you’re going to:

  • A) either Hulk out…
  • B) go Super Saiyan…
  • C) pants are a lie…

It’s a moment so cataclysmic and orgasmic, it is beyond comprehension. It’s something where we are just dragging out the opening so that you may be thinking…for fuck’s sake, get on with it already! Yeah, we get you. We also believe that you should sit down, strap in, and go get some snacks.

So unstrap yourself, go get some fucking snacks, get your ass back, take your pants off, sit the fuck down, strap yourself in, and get ready for…

The Diary of the Wasteland Bear God: Season Two!

Cue the music! …In your head…

*opening crawl*

It is a time of strife, danger…danger…with perhaps, some high voltage.

The Bear God is lost in Hell after sacrificing himself like a noob, pushing some creepy tentacle porn thing…and the demon lord, Diablo, through the portal. Thus, the Bear God (Sin) had saved his friends and what remained of the Wasteland.

With the Maker missing in action (because that’s what happens to gods apparently…they go missing like the assholes they are) there is little help to be offered for the Bear God. Back in the normal plane of existence, Ben, Rubricon—and the rest of our heroes (because it’s a decently sized roster now…fuck me) are planning a way to get the Bear God back.

Elsewhere, plans are unfolding…but that’s another episode.

Right now, welcome to Hell. Welcome to Season Two…

*End crawl, pan camera at a speeding dot of the Bear God, Diablo, and whatever the fuck it is hurling through the portal to Hell.*


The Bear God clenched his eyes as he went through the portal. There was something about going through a portal, and making sure your eyes were closed or having eyewear…something that someone said.

Diablo roared in anger and screamed an incessant “No!” for an extended period of time. Meanwhile, wrangling and writhing itself around the crimson pockmarked demon, the mysterious tentacle space oddity tried to burrow its way into the head of the mighty red beast.

The Demon Dimension aka Hell aka Demon Plane was a twisted realm. Shades of red and black intermingled and sparked angry lightning and spouts of fire. The intense heat made the Bear God sweat profusely, and he was already neglecting hydration on this day.

Diablo grappled the Bear and noticed the hideous beast crawling on him. “What matter of tomfoolery is this? What have you unleashed on me, Bear God? This, fiend, dares try to burrow into the Lord of Hell?! Inconceivable!”

A soft voice spoke in their minds, assuring how pitiful they really were. “Your efforts at resisting are noted, “Lord of Hell.” However, your resistance is futile and only speed your demise…and your entire race.”

As the trio spiraled fast towards the red scorched ground, Diablo laughed hysterically. “Foolish Bear God, you will never be freed from my realm. You will suffer here for all of eternity!”

“I don’t plan on that. I’d rather die than sit here at the kid’s table with you two,” said the Bear God.

Demons populated the area beneath and around where the Bear God and Diablo crash landed, the space creature was nowhere to be seen. Sin heard something give off a shrill shriek. More and more demons stood surrounding him, with Diablo leading the charge.

Diablo grinned malevolently, cracking his neck. “Any final words, gnat?”

The Bear God sighed, “I guess it’s all in a day’s work.” He summoned his strength and girded himself against the horde of demons and beasts.

“You will all succumb to the might of the Outer Gods,” a raspy voice echoed throughout the realm of Hell. One by one, demon’s began to convulse and turn into shades; wispy figures that floated in the air with ease.

“This…cannot be good,” said the Bear God.

The demons then poured on the Bear God in an instant, and he was in the fight of his life. He struck them down at first with ease, the kill count in the hundreds…then the thousands, then hundreds of thousands. At first, it seemed trivial and a game to him, but they were just remade and sent right back to engage him in the fight.

After several hours, the Mighty Bear God stood panting, tired, while the demons all grinned with glee and Diablo cackling. “You’re no match for the hordes of Hell, Bear God. There is nothing and no one here to save you.”

There has to be a way out of this hellhole. The Bear God clenched his eyes shut and called out to the Maker. Maker, if you can hear me, it’d be a good time for you to get me the fuck out of this place!

Diablo laughed, “Your precious Maker,” he mocked, “can’t save you!”

After several attempts, Sin decided that it was true. God is dead…


Catch up on some PRIOR ENTRIES:
 LAST TIME ON DIARY OF THE WASTELAND BEAR GOD…Z!
PORTALPOCALYPSE [Part One]
PORTALPOCALYPSE [Part Two: Season 1 Finale]
THE DIARY OF THE WASTELAND BEAR GOD IS AN ONGOING A.B.NORMAL PUBLISHING EXCLUSIVE STORY BY ROBERT J. S. T. MCCARTNEY. CHECK HERE FOR MORE POSTS!

Deluxe cover for
“All sleep is a gamble… We go to sleep every night comfortably betting that the next day we’ll wake up.”

Be sure to also check out the novel Lilah’s Guide to Hoyle on sale now. Want deals and more delivered to your inbox? Sign up for our mailing list!

Upcoming Changes and More.

A brief post about upcoming changes and more.

A few changes will be taking place in the coming days regarding the website.

Right now, Season Two for The Diary of the Wasteland Bear God is all wrapped up. This also will include the conclusion for Johnny Nightwalker.

There will be a continuation of other stories that will be released for free on the website and available in print shortly after that. I’m excited to unveil these as they happen.

The next chapter for The Lodestone Files will be available for free on the website for a limited time. This will be in its raw, uncut, original form.

Print books for The Lodestone Files and Abnormal Side Effects will be made readily available next year. This also includes part two of The Lodestone Files. A discounted box set will be available for when all the books are released.

We will have merchandise for Lilah’s Guide to Hoyle soon as well. There will be artwork and more coming soon for The Chronicles of Bob: The Chronic Suicidal and other titles next year.

Needless to say, it’s going to be an intense year. I wish you all a happy holiday and invite you to stay tuned.

Also Buckethead. Just because.

bh

Available for Pre-Order…

The release of “Lilah’s Guide to Hoyle” is here. Secure your copy now.

Lilah’s Guide to Hoyle is set to release soon. Print copies will be made available.

Deluxe cover for "Lilah's Guide to Hoyle."
“All life is a gamble . . . We go to sleep every night comfortably betting that the next day we’ll wake up.”

We hope you enjoy this exciting novel. This is one of the many stories in the Tragedy in Four Acts Series. More is to come!


“All life is a gamble . . . We go to sleep every night comfortably betting that the next day we’ll wake up.”

Demons. Sorcery. Magical playing cards. It’s anything but a fairy tale. Armed with her choice deck, her beloved book, “Hoyle’s Guide to Poker and Parlor Tricks”, and the skill that led her to throw away her college fund, Lilah gambles with her life—and with the lives of those around her.

Elsewhere, other players have a different idea of the rules of the game. And investigating the bizarre chain of events is Middleton PD’s finest, Detectives Dana Deupree and Walter Conway.

It’s anyone’s game. The cards have been shuffled and the stakes are high. The call has gone around the table. Others may fold, but not Lilah.

She plays for keeps.

The Diary of The Wasteland Bear God: One Year Anniversary/Season Two

The Diary of The Wasteland Bear God Logo

The Diary of the Wasteland Bear God


They say that some things are better when they come in pairs. It is also said that great trilogies come in threes. We are going into season two, so we’re not quite there yet. All you need to know is…I’m not dead yet.


So, hey there, folks. It’s me, Sin aka The Mighty Bear God, aka The Wasteland Bear God, etc. As you may have noticed on the last episode that I went through a portal and sealed the deal with a kiss…as in a fist to Diablo’s face, that I am, well, kind of stuck here.

Not to worry, I have a plan. I, uh, I can’t say what it is right now because I am a tad busy fighting demons and shit, but I assure you that I will get out of here and get back on my quest of finding my wife, putting the ABG down, and whatever else gets tossed my way.

Unfortunately, I think The Maker has gone AFK (how typical) and we’re all kind of left to fend for ourselves. In the meantime, I suggest going back and taking a look at the older posts and seeing the evolution of The Diary of the Wasteland Bear God and invite you to stay tuned for Season Two coming in January.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, there are some Succu-bitches that are in need of being mushroom stamped. See you all soon!


It’s been a year since The Diary of the Wasteland Bear God was created, posted, and began the telling of a powerful Druid from a time long ago that was trapped by an Evil Council. Time passed and eventually, life went on. However, the world as it had come to be was ruined by war and left to the fallout. A group of fanatics revived the entombed Druid and unleashed him upon the Wasteland, believing him to be the salvation they needed and deserved.

There will be chills, there will be spills. There will be…a reckoning! Season Two premieres in January.

The Diary of the Wasteland Bear God

The Diary of the Wasteland Bear God: Season Finale Premiering…Soon! And an Update

Rob drops a line, addressing that the “season” of “The Diary of The Wasteland Bear God” will be ending soon. More details inside!

Hey folks,

Rob here dropping a line about the series The Diary of The Wasteland Bear God which is coming to its season finale. No, not series finale—SEASON…SEASON finale. Did I stress that enough there? OK.

So what does that mean exactly for The Bear God and his friends (and enemies)? Glad you asked (even though you didn’t). Well, that means that there will be season two, and season one will be compiled, compressed, edited, archived, and turned into a handy-dandy book of great justice! Of course, I have to contact some people, but I will be looking to get it illustrated and then some.

The process of describing the highs, the lows, the whos, the whats, and what the fuckery has begun. This time will also pave the way for some other projects to be touched (giggity-giggity goo!) and be pushed for release. It’s also the holidays. I have a thing for Thanksgiving and another for Christmas that will be done, BG style, of course.

Meanwhile, as the season ends for The Bear God, the series for Bob (our beloved chronic suicidal) will be coming to a close very, very soon. I suggest you find out #WhatHappensToBob in the coming weeks.

Johnny Nightwalker isn’t ending anytime soon. However, that isn’t exactly a series (so to speak) it’s just a story that I am telling that is decently long. Honestly, though, it pales in comparison (as far as size; “that’s what she said”) to the post-apocalyptic novel that is 600+ pages and then some. It’s been a work in progress for awhile, and I am looking to have it completed next year or 2018 (for release).

So, kiddies, young and old, hold onto your pants (or don’t, who cares) because we’re shifting gears! Oh, did I forget to mention the prequel to Lilah’s Guide to Hoyle? Ho ho hoo… That’s a different post. 😉

Until next time!

RJM