A Poem: Enough


by Robert J. S. T. McCartney

I’ve had it up to here,
There’s nothing left of me: no note, no tear.

I’m choosing to end it all,
By drawing a line, up and down these walls.

I’ve screamed and shouted, but nothing comes back to me,
This is the evidence that I’m not to meant to be.

I’ve had enough.
I had everything I could have ever wanted in life.

I’ve had enough.
A home, family, friends, and all that I could ever ask.

I’ve had enough.
The talk of the demons within,
They reassure me my life’s sin.

I’ve had enough.
I’m tired of it all.
I wasn’t strong enough.
I couldn’t stand above it all.

I’ve had enough.
I’m through with this life.
I’m done trying to be tough.
I’ll end it all with this knife.

So here I go getting everything ready,
I can’t lie it’s really scary.
But I know it’ll only hurt a little bit,
Before I know it I’ll be out of it.
I’m leaving it all behind,
Everything and everyone this is my suicide!

You said, I was a failure,
That I had no place in this world.
You said, I was a traitor,
That I was nothing and undeserved.

So I’ve had enough,
From you and all those who cast me aside.
I’m done, not to be gruff,
But I’m done trying to please all of you and abide.

Don’t revive me,
This is how it has to be.
I won’t survive,
So this is my final goodbye.

I have had enough.

Hanging on to a Thought

A poem in remembrance of an “artist” but as a person who also suffered from the demons and fought against them. For Chester Bennington and those who suffer… and continue to suffer.

Even though you’re gone,
We’ll keep moving on.
You’ll be another thought—a memory,
Someone who was just like me.

You should hear the things that they say
That you “quit and threw it all away.”

That “you didn’t care about the rest world,”
“Selfish. Good riddance.” Other “sentiments” hurled.

Though, I know that you’re somewhere around,
Safely watching all the things that will become unbound.

They say it’s a joke, a cop-out, and easy to quit,
“Live. Let love.  C’mon, man, take another hit.”

To leave behind all that you love and make a great escape,
When we live and breed in a world full of greed and hate.

For when the demons have finally won, what more is there to say?
“Why did you give up. Why didn’t you stay?”

So often we say that we’re fine,
Debating, procrastinating, biding my time.

When will it be?
All this misery…

Too many times I’ve put it all down,
Not to let myself be consumed, pulled under and drown.
Letting others know that it’s not my time to go.
And though I smile and try to be strong,
My thoughts, they’re dark; caged, I don’t know how long.

Eventually, the dam will break,
All that has been locked away—will I wake?

It’ll be a day where there’s no preparation,
Maybe then we can have our conversation.

In the end, we die alone,
But in life we’re lights, shone.
To each other in the dark,
We guide one another, looking for our spark.

And so your story might have ended,
Those who are lost will continue to be tended.
Our invisible wounds from which that we bleed,
All the pain and agony inside which has sown its seed.

We’re not alone in our daily struggle,
But the world makes it harder to “love your neighbor.”
Frowned upon and looked down on,
Being called “a freak,” and “you should kill yourself.”

The problem isn’t us or those that already hurt,
It’s those that antagonize and do so spurt—
Content and think they’re “safe” behind their computer screen,
When they’ve never even met you or me.

So I understand why you felt you had to go,
I only wish you could have lived to see life so.

What wonders that maybe… the world will bring,
Even though we’ll never hear you sing.


Comfortably numb do I exist,
Still, I’ll fight and continue to resist.
The darkness and horror that lives within,
So that maybe others can be helped—that they can see what life’s like when it begins.

Rest easy, and thanks for all you’ve done.

Just a Few Days Left… [And Other Things]

Hey, folks.

There are just a few days left to snag up a Kindle copy of Lilah’s Guide to Hoyle for only $0.99.

After that, the price will go up to $2.99 once again. There will be more promotions and all that gooey goodness in the coming days.

Alright, What Else is Going On?

Well, there are a few video recordings that are in the works. There are a few days worth of recordings to go through. For now, here is a little sliver of some pie. Bear pie. I mean, my Druid obviously lifts.

World Quests, Bear Hugs, and Alliance


Cool… (I Guess) What Else?

There is going to be a new Johnny Nightwalker post. Hooray! There will also be a short story from the Middleton Files, the release of Spanish Ladies. I should correct that. It is actually an excerpt.

Originally, Spanish Ladies was made as a stand-alone short story, but then I was thinking (and I think a lot).

What if you put it as a side story for Dana and Walter and make it a detective story? 

So it then became such a thing… The Middleton Files is a collection of files from New Boston and Middleton, prior to the events of Lilah’s Guide to Hoyle. It’s none of the supernatural/paranormal-isque stuff, just a pair of cops doing their job on the streets. I thought it would be a good venue to share more about who exactly Dana and Walter are. Thus, I made the stories and such. The first short story premiered as Retribution.

There are a few that aren’t done, yet, but they are WiPs (Works in Progress).

So I hope you enjoy The Middleton Files: Spanish Ladies.

Anything Else?

Glad you asked! As a matter of fact, The Chronicles of Bob: The Chronic Suicidal is undergoing editing and all that fun stuff. I am aiming for a late Fall/Winter release; exact date TBA.

There are a few other stories that are being worked on… as such time is of the essence. The Lodestone Files: The Cat, The Mouse, and The Thing From Another World [book two of The Lodestone Files] is going to be getting a cover after I revisit it. For now, though, there is only a PDF copy available, and it still needs a little touching.

If you haven’t yet, you can check out book one here.

That about does it. More stuff will be posted as it happens and all that fine jazz ensemble. I wish you all well and as always…

Until next time,


A Poem: The Night

The Night is a poem by Robert J. S. T. McCartney. Often, the night is mistaken as a grim harbinger of death, anxiety, and an onslaught of depression (and more). This poem is to reflect that the night is a beautiful contrast and place, where the day’s reflections (and our own) are beacons…and stars in a brilliant world we can all be a part of, together.

The Night

by Robert J. S. T. McCartney

The night…

Often confused for and left bruised,

by a society that does not yet understand.

The night is a sanctuary; a necessary refuge for the accused,

Those afflicted by a blight and plight; of the day’s transgressions—a modern day gangland.

The darkness—tis who the real enemy,

for it shrouds the world; its outlook, gloomy.

There, within it, the night shines; a beacon,

to lead those who are lost, home, their Eden.

The good, the bad, the disturbed, craven and damned,

All have been twisted, some, not all, have gone mad.

So it’s up to us to take the hand,

That’s been outstretched for us, and be guided across the land.

It often appears to us in many forms,

A pet, spouse, friend; many persons, places or things in life’s storms.

So, though at times the night may seem scary,

Know that it is there to help you, and you are not alone.

So keep your head up, for this is your journey,

Aid for you and others; be guided, home.

We are the night.

A Blast From the Past: Johnny “Nightwalker”

The scifi fantasy story Johnny “Nightwalker” by Robert J. S. T. McCartney, posts in ToC (table of contents) form.

Here, we are taking a look at the series of posts for the story Johnny “Nightwalker  that are laid out in ToC (table of contents) form. What you will find is the current posts leading up to the hiatus that has taken place.

The conclusion of this story will be released via post when they are fit. Edits and revision are not seen as a hurdle, as it is believed (and best practice) to write right away, and then worry about the small parts later.

Now, let’s get down to business, shall we?

Johnny “Nightwalker”

by Robert J. S. T. McCartney


Awakening [Part One]

Awakening [Part Two]

Truth [Part One]

Truth [Part Two]

Truth [Part Three]

Ringleader [Part One]

Ringleader [Part Two]

Ringleader [Part Three]


Back in Black

Mr. Jones

Observe and Report

Trillion Dollar Baby

Touch of Grey

Les Terrible Pierre

Victim or Hostage?

The Enemy of My Enemy is My Friend


The Black Plague’s End

Consequence and Retaliation

Family Reunion

Reunion [Continued]





Guardian’s Duty

Beyond Good and Evil

The Unstoppable Force Meets The Immovable Object

The End

The purpose of this is to serve as a ToC and provide ease of navigation. When the new posts come out, they will be added to this ToC accordingly.

Look for the conclusion of Johnny “Nightwalker” this year. It will then undergo editing, revision, design and then some. It has an ETA release of 2018/2019 (paperback and hardcover) while digital will be released sooner.

More details will follow in time.

Recap of Last Week Jan 29th — Feb 5th

It’s a recap for Jan 29th — Feb 5th, 2017! Inside, you will find posts about suicide, depression and mental health, and why RJM shares his experience about it. You will find The Diary of the Wasteland Bear God and more, too!



Goodbye, January.

That’s it. So long, farewell, we’re in February now. Folks, we are making headway into the new year! Exciting, isn’t it?

There are things around us happening: exciting things, scary things, and so many looming questions and events on the horizon.

For now, let’s take things one step at a time. . .


Here are last week’s posts, drafted up with your reading ease in mind.

Episode Two of The Diary of the Wasteland Bear God.

Some poems

Now, you might read those (or not, who knows) poems and think, “why all the talk of suicide?” Well, depression, PTSD, anxiety. . .these are real things that affect people. They can be crippling. They destroy lives, rift families apart; it’s a very real side effect of life. It’s also something I deal with. So it is a personal thing. I feel talking openly about it will help others talk about their troubles and what helps them.

Johnny “Nightwalker” will be returning soon. This series of posts will conclude this Spring. Thus, ending the story of Johnny Birka.

Heads up, UK Amazon Readers! Celebrate Valentine’s Day for your reader or book junkie and get Lilah’s Guide to Hoyle for £0.99, February 12th through the 18th.


Deluxe cover for
“All life is a gamble… We go to sleep every night comfortably betting that the next day we’ll wake up.”

You can get a digital copy via Amazon at $2.99.

You can also secure a paperback or hardcover copy.

Wanna go big? Get the digital copy of Lilah’s Guide to Hoyle for FREE by simply signing up for our mailing list.


If you haven’t yet, you can download the ebook novelette The Lodestone Files: The Things in the Shadows for FREE on AmazoniBooksBarnes and Noble.

You can secure yourself a FREE PDF copy of the second installment, The Lodestone Files: The Cat, The Mouse, and The Thing from Another World.

You can also download the anthology Abnormal Side Effects for Free on Amazon, iBooks, Barnes and Noble.

You can also opt-in for our mail list and get your free copies here.


For an added fun bit, here’s “Mantis’ Awakening,” or as I dubbed it, “The Giant Monster Revival.”

Cloud Watching; a scythe shaped cloud or mantis like claw.
“And then, did He rise…The Mantis Lord, Mantiboa, to eradicate the Humans and fight The King of Monsters.”

Cheers, folks and take care of yourselves out there.


Johnny Nightwalker: The Enemy of My Enemy is My Friend

Johnny is killed by Pierre. T.C. aka “Snake” the Handler sent by the Agency then confronts Pierre and the others. Read on for more….

“It’s nothing personal, my friend. It’s just business, and I am in the business of making things go away.” Pierre then sighed.

“Why? Why would you do such a thing when we’re both on the same side?” Johnny asked.

Pierre radioed for his cat squadron, “Return to the Nest. The enemy is in the immediate quadrant.”

Johnny stared on bewildered.

“It’s not you, kid, it’s just business,” Pierre said. In a swift motion, he leaped through the air towards Johnny.

He could tell something was amiss. That killing him wasn’t the intention of Pierre. Go along; Johnny heard Pierre in his mind. He fell off the bench and appeared to be lifeless. Sure enough, the real threat had been lurking—drawing closer.

“NO!” Red and Chico cried, rushing to Johnny’s side.

The familiar assassin’s voice emerged from being cloaked. “I didn’t think you had it in you. I see that I was wrong.”

Pierre hopped off the still body of Johnny. “I told you I meant business. You’re next you know that, right, T.C.?”

“Heh, you think you can take on an advanced Handler because you downed a runt? Pathetic,” said the cat who morphed into a raven.

“You think flying will save you? Haven’t you learned that this is my turf? I control it. It is mine, and mine alone!” Pierre became angry. “AND THAT THERE IS NO ONE IN THE AGENCY WHO CAN CONTEST OTHERWISE!”

People in the park all turned and watched the spectacle. Some recorded the action and invisible conversation. In the distance, sirens wailed; coming closer each moment.

Be quick. Pierre fixated on the bird. “Fire.”

Red lasers erupted from several directions at the Raven. “You think I am dumb enough to fall for your cheap tricks? I believe you’re losing your touch, Pierre.”

“Then you would have seen me coming…” said Pierre as he appeared in the air behind T.C. clawing his wings and slamming him back down to the ground.

The bird moaned and bled. It shapeshifted into a large bear and clawed at the cat and its advancing army. “I still have tricks up my sleeve as well!”

“Johnny, I think it’s time for you to awaken,” said Pierre.

“WHAT,” the bear roared.

Johnny reached to his feet and readied himself for a fight against the bear. “T.C. I don’t think you want to do this. You were forced into it, molded to become something you’re not. I know the feeling. I don’t want to have to fight against other people, let alone be some heralded hero. We can bring the Agency to the knees and remake the world for the better of humanity.”

At first, it seemed the bear was heeding Johnny’s words, thinking about them. “It’s too late for me. There is no changing what I have become.”


The police had made their way into the park.

“Don’t let the Agency control you anymore. They will just destroy you: use you, discard you like refuse, and let you die. They don’t care about you,” Johnny said.

T.C. put his head down and sighed, “I know.”

“Detonation engaged.”

The bear searched himself frantically as a beeping increased in frequency. “No—no! I am not yet finished!”

“What’s going on?” Johnny asked.

“We’ve got to run! Now!” Pierre shouted and ran.

Johnny and the others all followed suit.

“You sons of bitches!” T.C. shouted as he erupted into a fiery blaze that scorched the area.

For a moment, Johnny had thought he heard T.C. say something in his mind before the explosion took him. The police were now scouring the area for suspected terrorists.


Later that night, Pierre and Johnny conversed.

“I apologize for making a threat on your life, my friend.”

Johnny smiled, “It’s OK. I understand you were just trying to help.”

“You’re quite the actor. Have you ever thought of going into the arts?”

“Ha ha, no. I am afraid I wouldn’t have the time anyway due to the happenings in the world…and what will soon come to pass.”

Pierre nodded. “A noble cause in such a young life.” He then reached for a small cigarette and lit it.

“I have to say, it is interesting to see a cat smoke,” said Johnny.

Pierre shrugged, “Life is shit, get to know this, and you’ll go far. Succumb to the lollygagging, and it’s you putting your head between your knees kissing your ass goodbye.”

“Fair enough.”

Johnny had thoughts on what made Pierre who he is, and what the Agency had wanted with him.

“Ah, you wish to know? I suppose I can indulge in a bit of nostalgia,” said the smoking cat.

“I used to work for the government. I was a top assassin sent to pick off the most wanted, plant false evidence, set up wars and skirmishes. I was the night’s shadow and those who knew my name feared me.” He sighed, “And then,” he took a puff on the cigarette, “then I retired. Started a family, tried to live the American Dream. Is it rubbish you know? That dream is just that, especially to an assassin.” Pierre’s eyes welled up a little. “Then, I was approached to do one more job. If I refused, my family would be killed. All of them. Anyone in my family tree still alive.” He sniffled and put the cigarette out, then lit another. “So, naturally, I agreed. I knew they would not be gentle with me, and I was right. I went through the testing. I was tortured, beaten, interrogated, trained, and then subjected to the animal DNA splicing and merging testing. It was a test different than what you or some of the handlers went through, or what Red and Chico went through.” Pierre stared off into the distance, “This one…this one was where they brought my family in,” he started to choke on his words, “they brought them in and killed them in front of me. They showed me videos of anyone still living in my family tree being killed. Then, then they had the gall to cut their heads off and put them in the cell with me.” Tears rolled down Pierre’s furry cheeks. “I wanted them dead—the Agency. I knew, though that I had to play along. I had to coach myself to bypass their ‘thought detection’ system to keep it a secret. I started missions, was given a new name.” He puffed on the cigarette. “Then, I became a terrorist. An asset of the government to create war, strife, and a political movement. I took to that role quite well. I met others like me on my travels. As such, my army grew. We then began to retaliate. I cut off any communication with the Agency and killed their messengers as they’d come, shipping their heads back as gifts.”

Pierre looked at Johnny. “What they do, there is nothing good that comes out of it. Not even us, the ones who fight.”

“But we have the capability to change that and fight against it,” said Johnny.

Pierre smiled. “And that, my friend, is why we are going to win.”

They both looked up at the starry sky and bright full moon. “This world, she is worth saving. The people, they are too; even the misguided ones,” said Pierre.

Johnny nodded. “I will help guide them on the path of redemption and gain them the vengeance they deserve…we all deserve.”