A Poem: Enough

Enough

by Robert J. S. T. McCartney

I’ve had it up to here,
There’s nothing left of me: no note, no tear.

I’m choosing to end it all,
By drawing a line, up and down these walls.

I’ve screamed and shouted, but nothing comes back to me,
This is the evidence that I’m not to meant to be.

I’ve had enough.
I had everything I could have ever wanted in life.

I’ve had enough.
A home, family, friends, and all that I could ever ask.

I’ve had enough.
The talk of the demons within,
They reassure me my life’s sin.

I’ve had enough.
I’m tired of it all.
I wasn’t strong enough.
I couldn’t stand above it all.

I’ve had enough.
I’m through with this life.
I’m done trying to be tough.
I’ll end it all with this knife.

So here I go getting everything ready,
I can’t lie it’s really scary.
But I know it’ll only hurt a little bit,
Before I know it I’ll be out of it.
I’m leaving it all behind,
Everything and everyone this is my suicide!

You said, I was a failure,
That I had no place in this world.
You said, I was a traitor,
That I was nothing and undeserved.

So I’ve had enough,
From you and all those who cast me aside.
I’m done, not to be gruff,
But I’m done trying to please all of you and abide.

Don’t revive me,
This is how it has to be.
I won’t survive,
So this is my final goodbye.

I have had enough.

Hanging on to a Thought

A poem in remembrance of an “artist” but as a person who also suffered from the demons and fought against them. For Chester Bennington and those who suffer… and continue to suffer.

Even though you’re gone,
We’ll keep moving on.
You’ll be another thought—a memory,
Someone who was just like me.

You should hear the things that they say
That you “quit and threw it all away.”

That “you didn’t care about the rest world,”
“Selfish. Good riddance.” Other “sentiments” hurled.

Though, I know that you’re somewhere around,
Safely watching all the things that will become unbound.

They say it’s a joke, a cop-out, and easy to quit,
“Live. Let love.  C’mon, man, take another hit.”

To leave behind all that you love and make a great escape,
When we live and breed in a world full of greed and hate.

For when the demons have finally won, what more is there to say?
“Why did you give up. Why didn’t you stay?”

So often we say that we’re fine,
Debating, procrastinating, biding my time.

When will it be?
All this misery…

Too many times I’ve put it all down,
Not to let myself be consumed, pulled under and drown.
Letting others know that it’s not my time to go.
And though I smile and try to be strong,
My thoughts, they’re dark; caged, I don’t know how long.

Eventually, the dam will break,
All that has been locked away—will I wake?

It’ll be a day where there’s no preparation,
Maybe then we can have our conversation.

In the end, we die alone,
But in life we’re lights, shone.
To each other in the dark,
We guide one another, looking for our spark.

And so your story might have ended,
Those who are lost will continue to be tended.
Our invisible wounds from which that we bleed,
All the pain and agony inside which has sown its seed.

We’re not alone in our daily struggle,
But the world makes it harder to “love your neighbor.”
Frowned upon and looked down on,
Being called “a freak,” and “you should kill yourself.”

The problem isn’t us or those that already hurt,
It’s those that antagonize and do so spurt—
Content and think they’re “safe” behind their computer screen,
When they’ve never even met you or me.

So I understand why you felt you had to go,
I only wish you could have lived to see life so.

What wonders that maybe… the world will bring,
Even though we’ll never hear you sing.

…Again…

Comfortably numb do I exist,
Still, I’ll fight and continue to resist.
The darkness and horror that lives within,
So that maybe others can be helped—that they can see what life’s like when it begins.


Rest easy, and thanks for all you’ve done.

A Blast From the Past: Johnny “Nightwalker”

The scifi fantasy story Johnny “Nightwalker” by Robert J. S. T. McCartney, posts in ToC (table of contents) form.

Here, we are taking a look at the series of posts for the story Johnny “Nightwalker  that are laid out in ToC (table of contents) form. What you will find is the current posts leading up to the hiatus that has taken place.

The conclusion of this story will be released via post when they are fit. Edits and revision are not seen as a hurdle, as it is believed (and best practice) to write right away, and then worry about the small parts later.

Now, let’s get down to business, shall we?


Johnny “Nightwalker”

by Robert J. S. T. McCartney

Origins

Awakening [Part One]

Awakening [Part Two]

Truth [Part One]

Truth [Part Two]

Truth [Part Three]

Ringleader [Part One]

Ringleader [Part Two]

Ringleader [Part Three]

Homecoming

Back in Black

Mr. Jones

Observe and Report

Trillion Dollar Baby

Touch of Grey

Les Terrible Pierre

Victim or Hostage?

The Enemy of My Enemy is My Friend

Apocalypse…

The Black Plague’s End

Consequence and Retaliation

Family Reunion

Reunion [Continued]

War

Revenge

Alliance

Aftermath

Guardian’s Duty

Beyond Good and Evil

The Unstoppable Force Meets The Immovable Object

The End


The purpose of this is to serve as a ToC and provide ease of navigation. When the new posts come out, they will be added to this ToC accordingly.

Look for the conclusion of Johnny “Nightwalker” this year. It will then undergo editing, revision, design and then some. It has an ETA release of 2018/2019 (paperback and hardcover) while digital will be released sooner.

More details will follow in time.

Recap of Last Week Jan 29th — Feb 5th

It’s a recap for Jan 29th — Feb 5th, 2017! Inside, you will find posts about suicide, depression and mental health, and why RJM shares his experience about it. You will find The Diary of the Wasteland Bear God and more, too!

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FROM THE DESK OF ROBERT J. S. T. MCCARTNEY

Goodbye, January.

That’s it. So long, farewell, we’re in February now. Folks, we are making headway into the new year! Exciting, isn’t it?

There are things around us happening: exciting things, scary things, and so many looming questions and events on the horizon.

For now, let’s take things one step at a time. . .

NEW NEWS/POSTS

Here are last week’s posts, drafted up with your reading ease in mind.

Episode Two of The Diary of the Wasteland Bear God.

Some poems

Now, you might read those (or not, who knows) poems and think, “why all the talk of suicide?” Well, depression, PTSD, anxiety. . .these are real things that affect people. They can be crippling. They destroy lives, rift families apart; it’s a very real side effect of life. It’s also something I deal with. So it is a personal thing. I feel talking openly about it will help others talk about their troubles and what helps them.

Johnny “Nightwalker” will be returning soon. This series of posts will conclude this Spring. Thus, ending the story of Johnny Birka.


Heads up, UK Amazon Readers! Celebrate Valentine’s Day for your reader or book junkie and get Lilah’s Guide to Hoyle for £0.99, February 12th through the 18th.


LILAH’S GUIDE TO HOYLE

Deluxe cover for
“All life is a gamble… We go to sleep every night comfortably betting that the next day we’ll wake up.”

You can get a digital copy via Amazon at $2.99.

You can also secure a paperback or hardcover copy.


Wanna go big? Get the digital copy of Lilah’s Guide to Hoyle for FREE by simply signing up for our mailing list.


“WHAT’S YOUR OFFER?”

If you haven’t yet, you can download the ebook novelette The Lodestone Files: The Things in the Shadows for FREE on AmazoniBooksBarnes and Noble.

You can secure yourself a FREE PDF copy of the second installment, The Lodestone Files: The Cat, The Mouse, and The Thing from Another World.

You can also download the anthology Abnormal Side Effects for Free on Amazon, iBooks, Barnes and Noble.

You can also opt-in for our mail list and get your free copies here.


 

For an added fun bit, here’s “Mantis’ Awakening,” or as I dubbed it, “The Giant Monster Revival.”

Cloud Watching; a scythe shaped cloud or mantis like claw.
“And then, did He rise…The Mantis Lord, Mantiboa, to eradicate the Humans and fight The King of Monsters.”

Cheers, folks and take care of yourselves out there.

RJM

Pain

It’s what drives us insane

The emotional and physical receptors

All that the body takes in

To some, it is a daily specter

From a cut, to the loss of love

An argumentative bout, to that of a punch with a clenched glove

Tis an incurable disease, one that can tease

However, there is a final solution, one that can solve the pollution

Shake its hand, and make the stand

Steady your hand, and drive the blade deep

Let everything spill, soon there will be nothing left to keep

You can feel the all hurt, and loss leave.

As you’re welcomed by the others before you.

Make room, for the others that will soon join too.

What you gave up

When your heart stopped

Was what tried to help you

Though pain was as two faced and cruel

It helped too, as you’ve lost the duel

The cycle will repeat, as you’ve only added fuel.

To the fire.

It will spread and consume.

To the far reaches of those who tire.

Of the pain, your new tomb

When there is a cure

We may yet be pure

Until then, all we know is pain


A Cure for Pain

I have this urge

It courses through out my body

No matter how hard I try to purge

It takes hold and drives me to insanity

Fear, anger, hate, death

They swell deep within

I dare not mention

To kill, to have a will. . .

To have power over another

Why one would bother

It’s only a matter of time

Perhaps. . .near the end of my prime

And so it has come to pass

With the courage I have amassed

I grab hold, vise grip

The knife, I dare not let slip

I make a smile from ear to ear

The warm red blood runs and pours over my hand

I shed not a single tear, for this was my stand

For now it has subsided

The urge

The cure all along was to abide

To purge

Fear, anger, hate, death

It was all my own