We are revisiting The Diary of The Wasteland Bear God this week, starting off with Episode Nine aka Crash! Wham! Alakazam!
This particular episode revolved around the idea of scrapping the whole series together, rebuilding it, etc. You know how a lot of shit gets remade, rebooted, redone, etc. etc. etc. etc. until you want to puke your balls off? Yeah. So, I played with that for a lil bit.
I was playing through Fallout 4 and I had Nat King Cole come on.
“That Nat King Cole. . .such a swell guy.”
Well, I thought, “How should I go about destroying my precious?” As I listened to the song Orange Colored Sky while I fired my Fatman at my unsuspecting settlers (after rounding them all up, complete with nuke mines, etc. I think I have a recording of that still. . .). Anyway, I thought that would be the ticket. Since I was The Maker and we had already established breaking the Fourth Wall, we would go with “death by boom!”
I also had
a Star Wars character an alien make a cameo appearance that said a. . .notable line—ish. I thought of an idea where I could start going balls to the wall and bring in other characters. It was put on hold. . .
How I went about the death of The Wasteland Bear God was pretty fun. I didn’t want to make it by another character or that sort because they had no right. Plus, he has plot armor. He’s like a “Mary Sue” or “Green Jesus” but isn’t Green or a Mary Sue. He’s a Bear God. You get the idea. He can die but he can also be resurrected if it is appropriate. Maybe get the seven Dragonballs and yeah, you know.
It was also the first time I had a “holotape” record action, dialogue, and start the process of making it be an all-in-one kind of deal. It’s part diary, part tape, and all out ball sweat explosion.
The raunchy stuff is still there. The sexy still happens. Then it all goes to hell. What happens next? Well, I guess you’ll have to find out. . .
The Diary of The Wasteland Bear God
Season One: Episode Nine
[Crash! Wham! Alakazam!]
“Some say—that from the ashes will rise an ally, and that ally will be a kind of key. . .a key to the gatekeeper. Where there are no ghouls, only Dana Fembots. Pray, friends, for if they are released upon the world. . .Feminism will have our world by the jollies.” —Bhal Aundy, Children of the Lost Marriage 1:03
[The scribe was kind enough to enclose an audio holotape for your eargasm pleasure.]
Since my last battle with Rubricon, the crater hasn’t been disturbed. From up to the north, where we’ve traveled to, we can still see it smoldering; billowing gray puffs to the skies above.
As I promised my flock, I took them to the Lakeshore Creamery for some Ice Cream. I ordered each to get their own and to have as many scoops as they wanted. They seemed quite content. Tara, Shana, Tama, and Tata all seemed to get very. . .aroused. . .by licking their delicious treats. For one minute, they’re sucking, biting, and licking their frosty treats, and then the next, they’re stripping and repeating some said actions to one another, with their treats. Some even started defecating [the rest of this passage is indecipherable].
After they finished their act, showered, and I killed the creamery staff for slipping a concoction of Buffout, Psycho, Mentats, Jet, Deathclaw blood, Mirelurk eggs, RadAway, and Mutifruit; which resulted in some sort of ecstasy. Some associate had called it a “Pudding Pop,” or something like that—whatever the case, it was unacceptable—NONE MAY TAINT THE BITCHES OF THE MIGHTY BEAR GOD, LET ALONE MY FLOCK!
I will have my minions ransack the place, and we shall stay for the night. The ‘shrooms, or whatever they had in my sundae have given me an unpleasant stomach ache. Maker above, I will probably be squirting this shit out for hours. Ugh. At least there is toilet paper around this time. Albeit, I do think my flock enjoyed cleansing their Mighty Bear God—probably too much. I will have to reaffirm this. Later perhaps.
I sent a few of my flock to check on the crater where Rubricon fell. They have yet to return. It’s been awhile, and I do hope that that son of a bitch stayed down. Maybe I should have hit him harder—or played a different song. Whatever the case, if they don’t turn up soon, I will be forced to leave them behind. Waiting makes my loins quiver in uneasiness.
Ricky, Dicky, and Flub came back. Finally! They report that the crater is vacant and that there is no sign of Rubricon. I suppose it was to be expected. He is a fucking rabbit. . .and when rabbits fuck, they’re just as bad as cockroaches. They just get everywhere!
Wait. What’s that? There’s an orange. . .fiery ball. Ah, shit.
[Scribe Tetanus recording here. It seems that a massive fireball has fallen on top of The Mighty Bear God. It seems to be a round metallic capsule of some kind. There’s a window, though it’s not view-able—too dark to see what’s inside if anything.
Wait it appears to be moving. Yes! Yes, it is! It’s moving! The Mighty Bear God—He has risen!]
[chanting ensues over the recording]
“What. . .the. . .hell?” The Mighty Bear God remarks, having lifted the space capsule off his person, and rolled it away. “No, seriously, what the hell is this shit?”
[The capsule hisses with the release of an airlock, smoke, and ozone escape it.]
A pair of oversized dummy black eyes peered out into the sunny Wasteland. A gray smooth-skinned alien poked its head out, slightly alarmed by its surroundings.
“Greetings, Earthlings. I am Captain Ack—” a raspy voice escaped from the alien’s fish-like lips.
“NOPE! NOPE! NOPE!” With tremendous might, the Mighty Bear God booted the alien into the capsule, picked it up, and then hurled it back towards whence it came.
The alien yelled over a loudspeaker, “it was a traaaaaaaap—” which could be heard for several moments until it dissipated over the horizon or back to space. Wherever. Anywhere but here.
The flock looked to their Almighty Bear God, who spat at the dirt beneath him. “I am not doing that. Aliens exist. I get it. There is no way in hell that I am going to include them! Not now! Not ever! YOU HEAR ME?! DO YOU HEAR ME?!”
[Beyond the world, above and far beyond, eyes peered in. The Maker sighed and rolled his eyes. He continued to construct, deconstruct, create, destroy, and pretty much do whatever the hell he damned well pleased. He typed out a note and folded it into a paper airplane. With a gentle breath, he sent the message to his recipient.
Out of the sky, there flew a brilliant piece of paper. One that defied all logic and reasoning. It was unlike anything anyone had ever seen. It landed in the Mighty Bear God’s paws. He unfolded it and read it to himself.]
“If I want aliens, I will fucking put aliens in. If I want you dead, I’ll make you dead. Remember. . .
You’re my bitch, bitch. Go fuck yourself.
The Mighty Bear God’s lips curled, and then a scowl came over his face. “What a cunt.”
[Soon after, another white piece of paper came floating down and then, with a great surge of speed, plowed into The Mighty Bear God, practically destroying the area.
On the unharmed, the pristine paper had the words scrawled: F-Bomb. I win. 🙂 ]