Predict This! Is Retiring. . .Like That One Guy’s Sex Life

I wanted to announce that my phone predictive text little ditty, Predict This! is going to retire. It’s possible it may return some day. If it does, it will be under a new idea and name. Probably.

With that notion however, I am introducing Cynical Sammy, or Quotes From Sammy, or Sammy the Dick. Eh, no, that last one could be misconstrued. Tell you what, if someone wants to name what it could be, I’ll consider the change, but until then I am going to dub it *drum roll* Posts From Sammy. Anticlimactic wasn’t it? Too bad.

To kick it off or celebrate the occasion, Sammy wanted to pen you all a song. . .or something.


The Courier

Hello, it’s me, “Sammie”
I know you wanted it real bad, so I put in the coordinates
You know, so I could deliver you this package
But then I came and then I saw
There was something amiss, something wrong

Yeah, hey, hi, hello, can you hear me?
I’m out back knocking on your door
But by the way things are looking right now, I’m looking like a manwhore
Just trying to drop this package off to your backdoor

I see now that I was wrong
By the way your man’s chasing me with his gun

Hey, yeah hi, hello from outside
I need to get the hell out of here real quick
Sorry but I guess I was wrong
To think that you’d want this delivered to your backdoor

Uh, yeah hey, hi, what’s up?
Can you, uh, call your dude off my ass?
He’s trying to break my butt
Don’t break my butt

I guess I should have seen
The sign that said “do not enter”

So hey, yeah, uh, hi from out here
I’m going to have to call the cops now
Your dude is still trying to break my butt
There’s something warm and pointy
And I don’t think its his gun

Oooooooh shit
Oooooooh fuck
Oooooooh shit
Help!

Hello from the hospital
I was just trying to deliver this package to you
I’m sorry but I am going to have to sue you
Yes, officer I will press charges
That asshole broke my butt
I told him no, and don’t break my butt
Your package is in evidence
They’ll say in court that it was a double-sided dildo for two—you and him


Uh. . .yeah. WELL THEN that escalated rather quickly. So yeah, I hope you enjoyed the first Posts From Sammy edition. I. . .I. . .don’t even know. I got nothing, except I guess tune in next time for more from Sammy. If you have a suggestion on what you’d like to read, see, or whatever have you; leave it in the comments!

Note: Yes, it is a take (or parody) on Hello by Adele. 
Predict This! was an ongoing predictive text inspired series by Robert J. S. T. McCartney at A.B.Normal Publishing. It has since retired and may one day rise up from the ashes of what could have been, and evolve into a more powerful Pokemon, and alternatively rip your shirt off.
Posts From Sammy is a new ongoing phone text flash fiction series by Robert J. S. T. McCartney at A.B.Normal Publishing. Since its inception, it has claimed the lives of 1 million bacteria cells. There were no ragrets. Not even a letter.

Predict This!

Welcome back for another edition of Predict This!

It’s been a pretty busy few weeks, and there is no end in sight! Son of a bitch! So I am just going to roll my face on the handy dandy phone and. . .


You are not going to like it, but you should probably not ever look left. Don’t do it. Seriously. For if you do, you will regret it, and be forever stamped by the malevolent. . .sausage god. You have been. . .mushroom stamped!


What can I say? You all better duck. . .because I am about to turn left.

Tune in next time, when we do tricks that involve some adult beverages!

 

Join in on the fun! Open up your phone’s messenger or text app, and play with your predictive text, and share it here!

Predict This! is an ongoing predictive text inspired series by Robert J. S. T. McCartney at A.B.Normal Publishing.

Predict This! Extreme!

Welcome back for another edition of Predict This!

Sammy wanted to share a. . .thought. . .he had, and I didn’t object so. . .I hope you enjoy. If not, well. . .you’re not edgy enough for him.* This is classified as “Extreme!” because it’s a lot longer than it usually is.

In any case, I hope everyone had a lovely weekend.


I’ve seen the future. . .and it is dark. I’ve also seen what it could be. Oh. . .what it could be.

In that place, there is no hate, no screaming, no loss, no guilt, no blame, no doubt, and more. We, as men and women. . .the children of this earth, who are united against the just cause. We are to be loved, accepted, forgiven, and held—for we are all equal.

The dark future for where we are heading, everything lays in ruin, all because of our doing. As such, I’ve taken arm, and raised a stone; not to protest or do harm, but to rebuild. For you see, though there can be action and change, it doesn’t mean anything if we do not unite in the common goal. Making empty promises, praises to false figures and leaders, and praying without being preemptive in doing something about it ourselves.

You can throw words, lash blame, use words to cut skin deep, or shoot the bullet to end our crying game. If you succumb to the already poisoned world, then our limbs will be amputated, our voice—muted. We then will not stand united, we will not use the hands to take our future in to account, nor will we be able to use our mouths to voice change.

Rise up, sons and daughters of the earth. Rise up from the dirt beds they’ve beaten you down to.  will rebuild. Do not become slaves to the pre-destined future where there is ruin. We must be as one. For if we continue this cycle of viciousness, we will remain fractured, and held under thumb, leaving our families, friends, ourselves, and the world—to succumb to the poison that flows.


Sam. . .did you drink the Kool-aid? No? Are you drunk? No? Sober? Well shit. You. . .freethinking, cellular, modular, interactive-odular, bastard. I like you.

This is still a better love story than Twilight.

*It’s funny because he’s a Samsung Galaxy Note Edge. Laugh. Do it. You did. Ring ring ring!

 

Join in on the fun! Open up your phone’s messenger or text app, and play with your predictive text, and share it here!

Predict This! is an ongoing predictive text inspired series by Robert J. S. T. McCartney at A.B.Normal Publishing.

Predict This!

Welcome back for another edition of Predict This! My phone wanted to do a piece all on its own, so. . .yeah. Take it away, “Sammy!”


Sometimes I want to sleep through the alarm. To just hide myself in a drawer and be forgotten, at least for a day. I do dislike being relied upon. Maybe, I could just hide my charger. . .or be left on silent. . .or turned off.


I agree, Sammy. I’d like to sleep in too. However, there is much to do; consisting from nothing, to making dinner, to bathing the kiddies, and tucking them in bed. No task is irrelevant nor insignificant. You’re needed after all, because there is much work to do, and you’re my little instrument of Swiss Army knife capabilities. Plus your damn battery just died on me. Frickin’ electricity vampire. . .

Picture of Samsung Galaxy Note Edge
This is “Sammy.” Don’t mind him. He’s just charging up. . .

 

Oh, in case you didn’t catch on that Sammy is for Samsung. . .well, now you know. Cue the rainbow!

 

Join in on the fun! Open up your phone’s messenger or text app, and play with your predictive text, and share it here!

Predict This! is an ongoing predictive text inspired series by Robert J. S. T. McCartney at A.B.Normal Publishing.

Predict This!

Welcome back for another edition of Predict This! I am just gonna let my phone talk to me today. . .y’know, see what’s on its mind.

Remember, it’s about 40 — 60 words that will be shared.


I am not sure how to explain this. I just don’t think you are ready to understand the complexity of what you’re about to face. I jest. There is nothing complex about facing mortality. You live. You die. The only thing complex is the life in which you live.


Yep. Life. It can be short or it can be long. Make it what you want it to be.

Join in on the fun! Open up your phone’s messenger or text app, and play with your predictive text, and share it here!

Predict This! is an ongoing predictive text inspired series by Robert J. S. T. McCartney at A.B.Normal Publishing.

Predict This!

Welcome back for another edition of Predict This! This time I will be pressing my predictive text buttons randomly [using the nine slots that are allotted] until I get to 40 – 60 words.


The only way we could have it all is to destroy everything we’ve made and take for granted. We’re too dependent on so many things nowadays, that we don’t even really need to think for ourselves. Only then will we ascend and accomplish so many wonderful things.


I, uh, well. . .yeah. I agree to an extent, mostly that I don’t think we have to destroy everything we’ve made, because in that sense—since we’ve made life ourselves [our offspring for an example] that would be purging lives that don’t know any better or worse, other than the ways we’ve shown them. Most technology, yes, we’re too dependent on and it has taken root into our everyday lives. . .like when you scolded that person who was driving whilst texting. Although, I think we are due for a societal reboot. When exactly it will come. . .well. . .it may be sooner than we would be expecting.

Some good words here, phone. You’re so sophisticated and shit.

Join in on the fun! Open up your phone’s messenger or text app, and play with your predictive text, and share it here!

Predict This! is an ongoing predictive text inspired series by Robert J. S. T. McCartney at A.B.Normal Publishing.

Predict This!

Welcome back for another edition of Predict This! This time I will be pressing my predictive text buttons randomly [using the nine slots that are allotted] until there’s 40 – 60 words.


I am so disappointed in you. I guess it’s not surprising that you are horrible looking nowadays too. I don’t even know where to start. I recommend you to come over, and give yourself up. Don’t fight it. Be my sacrifice.


I see. Well, you’re not looking so hot yourself, phone. Did you ever think that maybe I have self-image issues?! DID YOU!? Didn’t think so, you ass. Nah, actually, I don’t even care. Also, I do not volunteer as tribute.

Now, if you’ll excuse me. . .I am going to go eat a tub of ice cream, hot fudge, and other shit. Just kidding. . .I am gonna drink. Friday night!

Join in on the fun! Open up your phone’s messenger or text app, and play with your predictive text, and share it here!

Predict This! is an ongoing predictive text inspired series by Robert J. S. T. McCartney at A.B.Normal Publishing.