My Own Prison [Extended]: Poem and Post (One Year Later)

When I initially wrote My Own Prison (then revised it; followed by the post), it was a real rough spot in my life. Let me quote myself and go from there. . .

Prison. For most, they think it to be a building—a physical entity that exists to house criminals and wrongdoers. In most cases, however, a prison can also be one’s self. For the millions of those who suffer from depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder [PTSD] and many of the other mental illnesses and disorders, their mind is their own prison.

Built from the ground up, bit by bit, piece by piece. It can result from many things. For me: it’s been overcoming guilt. The burning anger that resides within. The negativity of several people and their dirty antics. The “what ifs?” The memories, though some blurry, of when I was on my antidepressants; the actions and things said. . .done. The immense sadness that dwells within. The constant twisting and shaping of how one can manipulate things against their own being. You realize it, you acknowledge it, and you know it to be a lie, but you can’t seem to overcome the grief that has besieged you and left you, seemingly, stranded.

Alone.

A fight for your life.

You have been tossed into shark-infested waters, and you are bleeding out.

My first therapist wasn’t horrible. He was just doing his job and trying to help me. You can’t help those who do not will to be helped or want it. I found it to be my punishment—to suffer—to slowly kill myself. Painfully. With the most potent malice ever conceived.

There were others that tried to help. Then there was the medication. Going to sleep for. . .what I believed was one day, turned into two or more sometimes. It hurt. I felt I was missing out on the most important of times, and it was unfair—to my daughter and my wife. . .and myself.

I was unstable. Anything and everything could set me off. The wind could blow the wrong direction and I would be having an anger attack. Eventually, I would do an unspeakable act that would convince myself; through a sort of out of body experience, that I needed to lose the medication and get proper help. That I needed to accept responsibility and be a man, a father, a husband. There were to be no more “woe is me” moments.

It would take time. . .

As time has gone on and that I went through EMDR therapy, my overall person has improved. I made changed, important and very much needed changes. I stopped being surrounded by negative people. I began exercising and losing weight (because I have always hated my body image). I stopped drinking alcohol in unnecessary consumption rates (I was an alcoholic, plain and simple in the end there. I became dependant on it).I started eating healthier. The food I did consume was not healthy and paired with soda, it bogged me down.

Simply enough, I didn’t care about myself. I didn’t love myself. I needed to change that. Being on the path to recovery doesn’t happen overnight and everyone is different.

“Get over it. That happened X years ago.”

“That still bothers you? Grow up.”

[At the intersection where the accident happened after finally being able to take my daughter home, away from the hospital, with my wife in the car behind me] “Sorry, I thought this would be the faster way. . .”

Being accused of wanting to kill my wife and daughter and using the accident to cover it up.

Those were a few of the many things said that were fuel added to the raging tempest I held within.

Time. Help. Understanding. Therapy. Changes.

That has been what has helped me. Good friends. Family. And making myself really change—for the better.

Every now and then, I get a dark spell, and that’s OK because it’s going to happen. I’ve been trying a new technique personally, and it’s helped. . .to a degree. Writing, however, has been the most helpful.

Normally, I’d never share my emotions or my thoughts. I figure, though, if someone can relate—someone can be helped, and that others out there that struggle can know that they are not alone in the fight. That there are rescue boats in these shark-infested waters with proper help for you. Then that’s fine with me. Because we are all pieces of a far grand puzzle than we can comprehend.

Stay strong and stay vigilant, friends.

You see, it’s only been (almost) a year. One of the most significant and significant years that came to pass. I moved out of state; one that I grew up in, started my family, left my friends and remaining family behind—and started a new life with my wife and kids in Tennessee. It’ll have been ten years since the car accident, and my oldest will turn ten. I try to not look at her birthday as a reminder; it’s hard, but the effect is losing hold. I still have occasional days of where I am fending off the darkness. . .but I know it, I am aware of it, and I valiantly fight back and hold it off. Even for just one more day, one more night. My wife and kids make it, so it’s worth it.

I spoke of a technique I was trying out at the time. What was it? I was killing myself; killing or slaying the negative thoughts and emotions. Stuffing them into boxes or attaching concrete boots to them and dropping them into the abysmal sea. It worked. For awhile. I keep testing myself and pushing my psychology appointments out further; and around, eh, probably in between a week or so until my next session and such I had a big issue come up. I was also having a lot of anxiety with our trip to BlizzCon 2017 and getting ripped off on our tickets (but thankfully, a good friend came through, and we got them and had a great time.).

Needless to say, it wasn’t perfect. Thus,  I ended up creating The Chronicles of Bob: The Chronic Suicidal. So, to put some rumors to rest; not that there really is any, yes, it’s loosely based on me. Congrats. Spoilers. #Spoilers. It’s not just a dark humor approach to suicide because you get the M. Night Shyamalan twist at the end! Really, it’s a fun read.

So, what do I do now? I write. I talk about things more openly. I play WoW. I’ve actually gotten a better sleep schedule down (granted, I am pushing it with this write-up), and yeah, things are pretty good so far in my mind. Lilah’s Guide to Hoylei will be coming back out; due for release June 21, 2018. More stories and shorts will be coming out as well. It should be a pretty good year.

It’s incredible how much and how far you can go from one year to another; or day to day, month to month, let alone for me from so many years of guilt and self-torment. I’ve come a long way, and I am happy to share my experience with you all. I wonder what the coming year will bring?

I hope those of you out there keep your chin up and know (and remember) that you’re not alone. There are others like you. You needn’t face and take on the world alone. Remain vigilant and be strong.

Take care and stay safe.

RJM

P.S. enjoy My Own Prison in its entirety below. Cheers!


My Own Prison

(The Original Version)

by Robert J. S. T. McCartney

It’s my time, as every year it seems to be, yet come this time it seems to be getting more to me.

An endless cycle that had begun long ago and further widens its cut into my being.

How so much pain can be felt, and how it was made was never an intention but how its function has fucked me up so much.

Each day it tears me apart, and each time I try to reassemble the pieces, it never seems to resemble me entirely.

As for how the light can teach but never gives answers, looking to the dark for its secrets but always coming with a high price.

The cold I know is there, but I cannot feel, as it’s already in too profound, but why is it I stay warm?

Why do I feel like a stray dog in a foreign family, when I’m given love and yet I back into the corner terrified.

What it means to be alive, what it is that pushes me to remain here.

Why it is that I remain? Why I stay humane, and stray from the constant fear that lingers in the depths of what I am?

This misery is a friend, one that does not bend.

Nor does it lend a hand for when I try to stand, as I get kicked back down.

A war with the mind, and a battle with the heart.

To stay here and see it through, when there is a victor.

How it is that I am enshrouded with such a dark mist, and yet still have light to prevent myself from being engulfed?

Why is it that I suffer from so much of my own damnation when I tried just to live.

Why this struggle in my mind takes such a toll on me, and others.

Never did I want to impress, or pose.

Never did I want to tell lies, or be hung for the truth.

I was me, and all it did was kick me in the teeth for trying to survive.

The beginning of all comes full circle to that we don’t remember.

There is no race to be won.
There is nothing that can be said to make things just as quickly as they are said and done.

Life is hypocrisy in itself that is all too well what it’s cracked up to be.

My daughter. . .My happy, unhappy accident.

How she’ll never know how sorry I am for everything.

My wife, how all the problems I cause and make and make things worse at times.

I am being pulled apart at the seams. . .

Life undoes itself from me slowly as dare try to redeem.

This prison

All these walls I’ve built up

Damn them

Damn me

I want to break free

From the binds that continue to keep me

Sometimes I only believe in self-absolving

But I know it just to be

I mustn’t keep fighting for me

For they are why I am here

The things I hold dear

Here

I will suffer through the pain

Because I have so much more to gain

Pain knows love just as well

As life knows death

Intermingled we are

The realization of which I now know

I do not suffer alone

The Chronicles of Bob: The Chronic Suicidal is Now Available

Hey, folks.

The Chronicles of Bob: The Chronic Suicidal is now available. It is also free to Kindle Unlimited users.

ebook cover for The Chronicles of Bob: The Chronic Suicidal
Suicide has many forms.

The tale of Bob and his asinine ways of killing himself are readily available for all to read. It is cool to reread something, whether it is your friends or your work. It also offers reflection: state of mind, memories, thoughts, and so on.

Suicide has been in my life for a long time now. It has affected myself, my family, and a lot of my friends. This “group” is not even 1% of what goes on in the world. Whether it’s homeless folk, students, celebrities, military, hell, even animals. It’s in our lives, sometimes staring at us right in the face. Most folks though turn a blind eye or sweep it under the rug. Alternatively, folks will jump on the bandwagon after a famous person’s death (i.e., Robin Williams, Chester Bennington, Chris Cornell, etc.) and it’s just an “Oh, hey, yeah I care…” Then they stop and fall off. It shouldn’t take a well-known person’s death to stoke the fire. It’s all around us; it could claim your family, friends, either directly or indirectly. Everyone’s affected.

I’ve struggled for years with PTSD, depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. I’ve done the medicinal routine (didn’t work) and figured one day, somewhere, someone else has it just as bad. I can’t pray for something to be done. I can’t change anything that happened, and I sure as hell can’t do anything if I am sitting around. That was the beginning of the change. It was a domino effect, because then I started to quit smoking, stop drinking soda, and eating better. The depression and dark thoughts were (and are) still there…just a lot more manageable, and under control. My temperament is vastly superior to what it once was, and overall I feel a lot better about myself. I like myself. Before? I used to hate myself. Big change.

Writing helped fill in some of the voids that I felt. It helped purify my thoughts and channeled them into something that I wanted to pursue eventually. Thus, this story, even though it may seem pointless and dumb to one, it is a sort of projection of thoughts any one person can experience and something we do.

When I transitioned out-of-state and was left with the feeling of having no real friends (that I left behind), and combating alcoholism (which, alcohol with depression + anxiety + PTSD = Not Bueno), I was beside myself. Nowadays, even in prior generations, the man must be “a man.” You know, don’t cry, don’t show emotion, be tough; the stereotype that was set up for us so many generations ago. So I kept a lot of my thoughts and feelings in. I hardly shared how I felt, I would try to bear a lot, and just be. It was unhealthy.

Finally, I got back into writing and found a great therapist. After which, while seeing my new therapist, I had then begun a process of “killing myself.” That is, writing down ways I would kill myself, or ideas that I had thought of. Thus, The Chronicles of Bob: The Chronic Suicidal was born and is what is available today.

So, I invite you to pick up a copy and read your heart out. If you like/love it, excellent; alternatively, If you hate it, well, that’s your choice. Life is full of them.

I will still be continuing to donate and advocate Suicide Prevention and Suicide Awareness, so when you purchase a copy, it’s going to go and help people in return.

That’s about all for now. I wish you all well.

Until next time,

RJM

 

 

 

P.S. If someone you know is having suicidal thoughts, talk with them. Don’t disregard their thoughts on the matter. You can also refer them to the Suicidal Prevention Lifeline1-800-273-8255

October’s Reads [Newsletter Post]

For the PDF version of this newsletter click here.

 

A.B.Normal Publishing and Media Group |10/25/2017—11/03/2017 |Edition 1, Volume 1

October’s Best Reads

Author News


Hello and welcome to our first newsletter being published and viewed as a blog post. Today we’re jumping right in and looking at some authors who have some interesting stories. These titles have been hand selected and may have a promotion already running.

Awake Asleep Dreaming

By John Siwicki


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This mystery/suspense/psychological thriller by John is dubbed as a “very thought provoking” and “intense story…that asks the important questions about life.”

With a solid rating and listed currently at $0.00, what is there to lose?

Purchase

DESCRIPTION: Who sees the future, who knows the future, and who makes the future? If a wish or a dream comes true is it ours? Where did it come from? Why do we want it? Is life simply a coin toss floating in time waiting to be snatched and held? Do we make it happen? Is it a random snap of a finger instance moment selection, or can we choose which way to turn? Is it magic, illusion, something made from nothing? In the end there’s silence, peace after the last images of life fades from thought, and the whisper on our breath sounds a word. And, as the last word rolls off our lips into the eternal silence of a cool peaceful morning it’s broken, and this last flutter of time will offer a choice—be awake, asleep, dreaming or dead.

BUY NOW


Driven to Death

By Elleby Harper


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Driven to Death is an acclaimed British crime and mystery story with an American twist.

Fans of Tami Hoag, Harlen Coben, Victor Methos and James Patterson’s Bookshots will enjoy this novel. This is a “read on the run” book that you will be able to consume quickly. Thus, making it ideal for today’s busy readers.

It is currently listed at $0.99 until November 2nd. It is advised to act now!

Purchase

 

DESCRIPTION:

Would you save your daughter’s killer?

When Evie Butterworth faces every parent’s nightmare, the death of her daughter, the police are brought in to determine whether it was murder.

Heading the investigation is NYPD homicide detective Bex Wynter. Abandoning her own train wreck of a life she becomes head of a new investigative team in a brand new country. But not everyone welcomes an American to the London Met. Quinn Standing has a hard time dealing with the failures piling up in his life, and an even harder time adjusting to his new boss.

As her team peels back the layers to discover what really happened at Richmond Bridge, pressure builds from the media, the killer’s high profile father and Bex’s tragic past. Will she be able to shake off her demons to bring justice to light?

BUY NOW


Lilah’s Guide to Hoyle

By Robert J. S. T. McCartney and Albert J. Debusschere III


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Lilah’s Guide to Hoyle is an urban fantasy novel that revolves around Lilah, a girl who was down on her luck and committed suicide.

Striking a deal with a demon named Mullin, Lilah uses the very skill that led her to ruin, only she is capitalizing off the newfound powers she has come into possession.

Book two of the Tragedy in Four Acts Series, Lilah’s Guide to Hoyle serves as number one in the chain of cataclysmic events that are about to unfold across numerous novels and novellas.

This title will be FREE from October 29th until November 3rd.

Purchase

 

DESCRIPTION:

“All life is a gamble . . . We go to sleep every night comfortably betting that the next day we’ll wake up.”

Demons. Sorcery. Magical playing cards. It’s anything but a fairy tale. Armed with her choice deck, her beloved book, “Hoyle’s Guide to Poker and Parlor Tricks”, and the skill that led her to throw away her college fund, Lilah gambles with her life—and with the lives of those around her.

Elsewhere, other players have a different idea of the rules of the game. And investigating the bizarre chain of events is Middleton PD’s finest, Detectives Dana Deupree and Walter Conway.

It’s anyone’s game. The cards have been shuffled and the stakes are high. The call has gone around the table. Others may fold, but not Lilah.

She plays for keeps.

BUY NOW


 

There will be more literature releasing in the coming month. November 30th will mark the release of The Chronicles of Bob: The Chronic Suicidal. Pre-order sales will be donated to Mission 22 for our veterans in the fight against suicide. Proceeds from paperback sales of Abnormal Side Effects will go 100% to suicide prevention charities and organizations. —Check out the post by Robert J. S. T. McCartney for more details. 

As always, we welcome authors and other publishers (self-published, traditional, or hybrid authors) to share their stories with us. We wish you all a happy and safe Halloween.

Until next time,

A.B.Normal Publishing and Media Group

 

We’re Taking it on the Run…This Thursday With the Release of Book Two.

August 31, 2017, marks the release of The Lodestone Files: The Cat, The Mouse, and The Thing From Another World.

This title offers more backstory on Mac, as well as exactly how the contact between the alien homeworld and Earth was established. Also, we see how the newly reformed “James” begins his pursuit of the boys and Murdoch.

The exciting game of cat and mouse starts hard and fast with book two. After that, you may wonder, when will book three come out? What about compiling them? A lot of “whats” that you may ask…and I’ll gladly answer.

While book one is free, book two will not be. Unfortunately, the price set on Amazon is $0.99; it’s a fixed price that cannot be changed. However, I will be offering the title here on A.B.Normal Publishing and Media Group at a discounted price of $0.35. That’s the cost of a candy bar or pack of gum. Not too much, is it?

Book three could come out possibly this Winter…however, it’ll surely be out Spring of 2018. And then the last book will be later 2018; including the bonus short story from another family’s PoV. They will be compiled and placed in a collection as soon as they’re all released.

The Lodestone Files: The Cat, The mouse, and The Thing From Another World can be pre-ordered now on Amazon. It’ll be live for sale on A.B.Normal Publishing and Media Group Thursday as well.

Until next time,

RJM

Monday Shenanigans

A brief post about RJM’s delay of a post for April 3, 2017. . .that sour patch bastard. How dare he decide to take a day off! There is stuff to be done! What a slacker and a hack. Nah, he’s pretty cool. Smells funny, though.

Greetings, folks.

Normally, on Monday I would do a recap of posts and such. I’ve been testing out a regiment of whether it was worth posting such a thing. It may seem useful to some, annoying to others. In any case, no one ever gets pleased (enough).

I also thought about posting today’s bits about the Writing Evolution of The Diary of The Wasteland Bear God and The Chronicles of Bob: The Chronic Suicidal. I’m calling in sick. Well, I am not sick but I want to take the time to do more important things, like time with the family, and maintaining my sanity (what’s left of it anyways). I rather go slow and get things down, done, and be happy, instead of running myself hard into the ground and losing interest.

So, what does that mean? Well, tomorrow (and the rest of the week) things are going to be spread out a wee bit. I also have a topic I will be discussing on my personal/author blog: www.robertjstmccartney.wordpress.com. What topic? Well, toxicity, and no, it’s not about System of a Down’s album (which is great by the way). It’s just one of those days. We all get them. It’s also the benefit of when you do things on your own and have no one else to depend on. Plus, I love to talk to people and be a real human being. Crazy, I know.

I have a few other things that I will be posting, regarding Lilah’s Guide to Hoyle, and a few other projects. And no, it’s not an “I’m done” kind of thing. Hardly. 😉

Anyway, until tomorrow. . .

RJM

Lilah’s Guide to Hoyle — February Amazon UK Promo

It’s our February promo! Happy Valentine’s Day. Running from the 12th through the 18th.

Hi, everyone.

I’m just dropping a brief post on my Valentine’s Day promotion for Amazon UK customers. You can get the urban fantasy novel, Lilah’s Guide to Hoyle for only £0.99, February 12th through the 18th. That’s so much in savings [60%!] you could help fund the proposed wall to—wait, what? We aren’t going to talk about American politics?  We aren’t going to discuss how we’re degrading ourselves and so on? Oh. . .OK. Well then, how about that picture I asked for? You know that one?

OK, so since we’re skipping politics, let’s continue with the promo!

Get a copy for your crazed book reader, book junkie, Kindle fanatic, or just get a copy. . .just because.

Folks, this is an enjoyable read. It’s not because we’re saying that it is, it’s because it just is. This is just one piece of a much grander puzzle. One step of a thousand steps. One slice of an XL pizza.

I had you at pizza, didn’t I? Good.

This promo will run from Feb. 12th through the 18th (2017). After that, what happens? Well, I guess you’re going to have to find out.

I invite you all to check it out!

Are you a Kindle Unlimited user? Great! You can already get Lilah’s Guide to Hoyle for FREE with your subscription. Eyyy! *Fonz stance*

So, you could pay or you could play, and sign up for our mailing list and get your books for free!

Wishing you all a fantastic weekend and a happy, love making fiesta.

Cheers!

RJM


LILAH’S GUIDE TO HOYLE


Deluxe cover for
“All life is a gamble… We go to sleep every night comfortably betting that the next day we’ll wake up.”

Description:

“All life is a gamble . . . We go to sleep every night comfortably betting that the next day we’ll wake up.”

Demons. Sorcery. Magical playing cards. It’s anything but a fairy tale. Armed with her choice deck, her beloved book, Hoyle’s Guide to Poker and Parlor Tricks, and the skill that led her to throw away her college fund, Lilah gambles with her life—and with the lives of those around her.

Elsewhere, other players have a different idea of the rules of the game. And investigating the bizarre chain of events is Middleton PD’s finest, Detectives Dana Deupree and Walter Conway.

It’s anyone’s game. The cards have been shuffled and the stakes are high. The call has gone around the table. Others may fold, but not Lilah. She plays for keeps.

What will you wager? Will you call? Stand? Or will you fold?


You can get a digital copy via Amazon at $2.99.

You can also secure a paperback or hardcover copy.


Wanna go big? Get the digital copy of Lilah’s Guide to Hoyle for FREE by simply signing up for our mailing list.


“But Wait! There’s More!”

If you’ve been shoved under a rock, holding out in a bunker, or if you have no interest whatsoever, here’s a friendly reminder that you can novelette The Lodestone Files: The Things in the Shadows for FREE on AmazoniBooksBarnes and Noble.

“Surprise!”

You can also secure yourself a FREE PDF copy of the second installment, The Lodestone Files: The Cat, The Mouse, and The Thing from Another World. Print and other formats soon to come.

“B-B-Bonus extravaganza!”

You can also download the anthology Abnormal Side Effects for Free on Amazon, iBooks, Barnes and Noble.

You can also opt-in for our mail list and get your free copies directly from us! Such edge! Much Words! WoW!

The Diary of the Wasteland Bear God — Season Two — Episode Two: That’s No Space Station

Space. The final, but not really final, frontier. These are the sentences from episode two of The Diary Wasteland Bear God. There’s more to come!

The Diary of The Wasteland Bear God Logo
“Set breath laser to DESTROY!”

Episode One: Parts One and Two


“There will be no mistakes this time.”

He said aloud, with the only audience being himself and the computer that listened obediently at his commands.

Blitzkrieg stared out the massive bay window that now looked upon the planet Earth. The moon base had been completed well ahead of schedule. As a “thanks” for their service, the remnants of The Toymaker’s forces were obliterated—discarded to the frigid void of space.

He grinned, his reflection mimicking in correspondence. He thought he was so clever. He had used his comrades, bided his time by rising the ranks, infiltrated The Toymaker, and seized control of the most powerful weapon ever made by mankind; more powerful than any nuclear weapon.

It was no mere moon anymore. It had been mined, artificial gravity implemented, terraformed and programmed for self-sustaining, complete recyclable materials, biodegradable waste, satellite TV, fiber optic internet, nukes from orbit, lasers, one gigantic laser, an open bar, buffet, and free Wi-Fi. It would be the instrument to usher in fear in the galaxy and would be the crowning achievement of mankind. None would be able to challenge him or this space stations capabilities.

Blitzkrieg was no fool. Unlike his predecessors and colleagues, he studied meticulously. He knew about the one-meter wide port that could destabilize the base, and cause it to blow up. As such, he had ordered the sealing of all holes that could, otherwise, be really bad news if it were to be sabotaged. Body scans, a wall, missiles, lasers, increased tariffs, bans and employing banhammer bots; these were just extra…precautions.

Yes, he would bring order and chaos to the galaxy, just as he always intended. Even if it made no logical sense in destroying worlds and ruling empty space. Logical fallacies. . .were some peoples’ strong suit. Regardless, he had plans. As such, he wanted to start by punishing the planet that birthed him a horrible past, and one unfaithful wretch that cheated on him with that asshole taxidermist named Daryl from New Georgia.

Blitzkrieg raised his voice, “Computer, set the laser to fire at Earth. Location, New Georgia.”

The computer paused, processing the request. “Acknowledged, Commander. Firing will commence in. . .three days.”

“What the?! Ugh, why does it have such a long charge time?” he facepalmed.

“Lack of human and, or, servants has made it harder for self-calculation, preparation, firing, etc. Commander.”

The console beeped, reading “one percent” on it. “I suppose I should manufacture some bots then. It is a new age, after all,” he grinned.

Yes, it was clear this time. Crystal clear.

“There will be no mistakes this time,” Blitzkrieg smiled to himself.

***

While Ben and the others all welcomed back the Bear God, a shiver ran up his spine. A disturbance that foreboded a very, very, very bad thing that was going to happen.


THE DIARY OF THE WASTELAND BEAR GOD IS AN ONGOING A.B.NORMAL PUBLISHING EXCLUSIVE STORY BY ROBERT J. S. T. MCCARTNEY. CHECK HERE FOR MORE POSTS!